Part of the allure of streaming platforms used to be the promise of no ads. But now, with more platforms incorporating commercials into their services, they’re becoming impossible to escape/skip. Obviously not all ads are bad – and they’re vital in funding ITV and Channel 4’s creative output – but we’re still asking for a moratorium on the following relentlessly repeated monstrosities.
IONOS
With her Mr Whippy haircut, German accent and futuristic scooter, zany Aunt Helga really earns her Triple Lock Plus pension by educating hapless technophobes about “old school websites”. It’s played so often on Channel 4 – fka All4 – that it feels like the worst thing involving IT this side of the clown that lures children into sewers.
Food delivery commercials
You’re watching your favourite streamer show then – bosh! – up pops a food delivery ad that’s unlikely to be rated five stars. Perhaps the most annoying are the deathless Uber One ads where Sex Education’s Asa Butterfield and Robert De Niro embark on an awkward bromance while presumably thinking of the money.
Domino’s Pizza
In these inescapable Channel 4 and ITVX sponsorship idents, classic movie moments are parodied with the kicker being someone yodelling the catchphrase: “Domino-ooh-hoo!” The punchline takes so long to be delivered, though, that we should all get free garlic bread as compensation.
Pampers
In short: an advert zooming into the expressions of babies’ gleefully mudsliding their nappies, while their parents cower in fear at an impending “Poonami”. Honestly, if we wanted to watch someone embarrassingly shit themselves in public over and over again, we’d simply click on Laurence Fox’s X (previously Twitter) feed.
McDonald’s
Maccy D’s have form with painful ads clogging up streaming platforms. The latest one, ‘A Little More Mmm’, sees a man eating a burger with orgasmic elation breaking into opera. It’s surely the worst public display of beef since Kendrick and Drake.
Tesco
An ITVX repeat offender that’s a fantastic advert – for Aldi. Every time someone uses their Tesco Clubcard, they holler “I’VE GOT THE POWER!“ by ‘90s Eurodance merchants SNAP!. There’s probably an alternative version of this commercial involving creatives brainstorming the concept by lining up cocaine with their Clubcards, then excitedly hollering “I’VE GOT THE POWER!” as it hits their system. Shame.
Paddy Power Games
In the one-armed bandit of gambling ads, this one comes up as three rolled-eyes. The gag is that Abbey Clancy, who’s married to former England striker Peter Crouch, has in the WAG Multiverse ended up with Barry from EastEnders (aka Shaun Williamson). Not sure why this is seen as a step-down – as anyone who’s seen Baz singing Neil Diamond’s ‘Sweet Caroline’ in a festival field will attest.
Any podcast advert on Spotify
You know the ones. It’s either an aggressively grating American business wo/man called Capitalism McBallbuster promising to get the REAL ANSWERS, fish-obsessed men talking carp, or posh journalists treading on (Faberge) eggshells around equally upper-crust celebrities – the sort who make Rishi Sunak look like a Dickensian chimney-sweep.
Compare the Market
The average lifespan for meerkats is 12-14 years. However, those infernal Compare the Market meerkat skits have lumbered on for 15 years. Recently, they’ve very much reached their The Simpsons’ Poochie/Scrappy Doo nadir phase by introducing the buffoonish Carl the Wombat into the knackered fray.
Bear-centric adverts
Both Channel 4 stalwarts. First, the big-budget Coors ‘Keep It Fresh’ promo where a group of mates hail a pack of bears in lieu of a taxi – surely their only chance to ride a bear without opening Grindr. Second, the equally ursine Twix commercials. The latter has two campers describing how much they love devouring a Twix while bear-voyeurs wax lyrical about consuming the human chocolate lovers. It’s a bit like Paddington: The Blumhouse Cut.
Walkers crisps
Following in the carb-advertising footsteps of wife Victoria, David Beckham hawks Walkers crisps in this frequently replated commercial that sees him and fellow ball-kicker Thierry Henry running out of snacks. Proving that even Becks wouldn’t resort to eating his son Brooklyn’s much-mocked cooking, the pair instead knock on the doors of random strangers like crisp-crazed Avon Ladies. Sadly, Beckham doesn’t ring the doorbell of comedian Joe Lycett, who famously took him to task in 2022. Maybe next time?
Argos
The pass-agg exploits of freakish M3GAN rip-off Connie (voiced by People Just Do Nothing’s Ruth Bratt) and dopey dinosaur Trevor (Charlie Cooper) are so creepily tedious, it makes you regret ordering that Argos toaster which means you’re lumbered with their targeted ads on YouTube, like an advertising version of It Follows.