In hindsight, the signs were all always there with Winnie-The-Pooh – though we’re not judging his cute little crop top, there’s something quite menacing about his choice to go completely commando on the bottom half. Not only is it a serious misunderstanding of how clothes work in the first place, it just can’t be very comfortable. It’s almost as psychopathic, in fact, as wearing jeans in bed.
With the honey-gobbling hero of countless childhoods now getting his own murderous slasher flick Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey – starring our Winnie as a feral killer hell-bent on torturing and murdering Christopher Robin and his hapless associates, with the help of his deranged sidekick Piglet (of course it would be Piglet) – here are some of the other seemingly innocent childhood characters who deserve their own terrifying spin-offs.
Arthur
There’s an awful lot of repressed rage trapped inside the Arthur clenched fist meme – in all honesty, Arthur Read is already millimetres away from his speedy descent into full-blown evil. He’s even got a mean alter-ego – the imaginatively named Evil Arthur, from the original show – lined up for his big slasher moment already.
What’s their Kryptonite? Green crisps (if you know, you know)
Mona The Vampire
Mona is already well on her way to horror glory. In the much-loved children’s show, she’s a benevolent hero who thwarts supernatural villains and foes with her fanged ingenuity. Unfortunately, Principal Ivan Shawbly and teacher Miss Gotto constantly cast doubt on Mona and sidekicks Zapman and Princess Giant’s secret magic powers. Could this get the better of her temper and spark a blood-sucking rampage?
What’s their Kryptonite? In a twist of roles, spoiled lottery winner nepo baby Angela Smith could finally put her vast wealth to good use in bringing Mona down.
Auntie Mabel and Pippin
Easily one of the most wholesome kids shows going, Come Outside! used to follow the kindly Auntie Mabel (played brilliantly by the late Lynda Baron) and her trusty dog Pippin as they soared around in a Slingsby T67 Firefly learning all about the world around them. Though it’s a real struggle to see the show taking a more nefarious form, that’s sort of the point – it’s always the ones you least expect!
What’s their Kryptonite? The pair have been thwarted by an unravelling woolly jumper once before – it could be the only thing strong enough to defeat them.
The Teletubbies
Given the sheer amount of shit that Tinky Winky has been subjected to for daring to express himself with a fetching red handbag over the years, it’s certainly plausible that he could decide to get his revenge on humanity, aided by the rest of his slightly unsettling Teletubby crew, and the intense destructive power of Noo-Noo. For a taster of just how terrifying it could be, give online horror game Slendytubbies a whirl. Harrowing stuff.
What’s their Kryptonite? Hooking an HDMI cable up to their tellybellies and screening some relaxing nature documentaries may help to quell the violence.
Rosie and Jim
Gliding silently around on their little narrowboat, inexplicably invisible to humans as they make mischief on the waterways of Birmingham, Rosie, Jim and their accomplice Duck have a bit of a weird, ambiguous dynamic – are they siblings? Friends with benefits? A polycule? Compared to some of the other culprits here, they may seem harmless enough, but all manner of horrors could unfold if the construction of HS2 ends up interfering with their usual passage through the West Midlands.
What’s their Kryptonite? A well-aimed harpoon to the starboard side of the vessel.
Pingu
All great villains need a mentor, and for Pingu, The Wrong Trousers’ antagonist McGraw is surely the perfect candidate for the job. If anybody spots him waddling around with a rubber glove on his head, sound the alarm, and fast. We all know what happened last time.
What’s their Kryptonite? He famously loathes beetroot.
Tracy Beaker
Another villainous essential – an origin story. From her interfering and fairly useless social worker Elaine, to the cruelty of her stunt-acting mother (who never visits The Dumping Ground) The Beaker has plenty of reasons to want revenge. Is she all bark and no bite? Probably, to be honest. Tracy has some brilliantly cutting catchphrases up her sleeve, but seems like she’s a good egg really.
What’s their Kryptonite? Rio Wellard’s Maroon 5 CD
Clifford The Big Red Dog
Dogs may be man’s best friend, but the sheer vastness of Clifford – a great slavering beast who causes untold damage with a single tail-wag – makes him a prime candidate for a slasher spin-off. Emily Elizabeth, the eight-year-old girl who rides him around like a glorified pony, meanwhile, would make the perfect sidekick.
What’s their Kryptonite? Grapes, chocolate, and all the usual no-go-for-dogs foods.
Big Bird
Look deep into Big Bird’s emotionless eyes, bead-like black holes perched above his sharp yellow beak, and try to find a flicker of empathy, go on. You’ll be searching for a long time. Despite his prowess for poetry, rollerskating, singing, ice skating and drawing, among other things, it’s clear that Big Bird just doesn’t possess any kind of capacity for remorse. Basically, Barack Obama is correct. He’s an “evil genius” and “a menace to our economy”.
What’s their Kryptonite? The removal of Big Bird’s beloved teddy bear Radar.
Mr Blobby
A lustful thirst for destruction already courses through Mr Blobby’s custard-hued veins. Not content with reducing a young girl to tears by hurling her birthday cake onto the floor, he also trashed This Morning’s studio for nothing but his own sick amusement – frankly the only thing this prank-loving menace is missing is a proper motive. He must never, ever learn about Holly and Phil jumping the queue to visit Queen Lizzie lying in state; truly, who knows what horrors could be unlocked there.
What’s their Kryptonite? Gary Barlow famously loathes Mr Blobby after he stopped Take That landing a number one, and the pair have history. If things escalate, a grudge match is the only way to stop him.