In partnership with Warner Bros. UK
“Don’t fear The Reaper” goes the song. Well, actually do. Death is coming for you, especially if you cheat him. As Final Destination Bloodlines hits cinemas, NME gives you the lowdown on 10 totally irrational things to fear in both the iconic franchise and this stonking new thriller.
Ceiling fans
OK, they might keep you cool on a hot summer’s day and look impressive in slow motion, but these babies are just an accident waiting to happen. Especially if they happen to get tangled up with a metal chain and a nose ring. Ouch! Take some advice from us: if you need to cool down, just open the fridge door. Or use a plastic hand fan. Or throw a bucket of water over your head.
Glass buildings
It’s brand new, it weighs 9000 tonnes and it has a restaurant at the very top. Of course the 1950s Skyview tower that opens Final Destination Bloodlines is going to be like Death warmed up. From its see-through glass floor – destined to crack under pressure – to its creaky elevator and chefs who flambé their dishes, there is destruction sewn into every popping rivet of this architectural nightmare. Save yourself and cancel your reservation.
Grand pianos
A grand piano can weigh up to 1200 pounds and can splatter you faster than an anvil landing on a week-old pumpkin. But come on! How much damage can tinkling the old ivories actually do? Well, we still wouldn’t advise standing near one when the foundations are trembling and the building is about to collapse. Cos this Steinway is only going one way…
Trampolines
Perfect for a fun day in the garden? Wrong! These bouncy beauties are a fatal accident waiting to happen. Whether the side stitching is a-fraying, ready for you to slip and fall on, or whether a sharp tool is left lurking beneath the springy canvas for you to land on, the trampoline is like death warmed up. Make sure you check every inch of it. Or try a bouncy castle instead.
Lawnmowers
Most accidents happen in the home, they say. Or just outside of it. And the garden is full of death traps. None more so than with your common garden lawnmower. Those whirring blades, designed for cutting grass in lovely straight lines, can sever someone’s flesh in microseconds. Especially when there’s broken glass sticking out of the ground, ready to tread on and cause a fall. You have been warned.
Coffee runs
Like Diana Ross once said, we’re in the middle of a chain reaction. If you wanna avoid mutilation in the Final Destination universe then you need to watch everything like a hawk. And that includes the most innocent-looking thing. Like a coffee cup. Because as Final Destination 2 showed, it’s bound to fall on your lap as you’re driving on the motorway, just as that giant truck carrying logs sees its chain snap, sending its load into your windscreen. Splat.
Tanning beds
“This device should never be set over 250 VAC.” So warns the sign in Final Destination 3 as It girls Ashley and Ashlyn pop into two tanning booths to work on those beach bodies of theirs. Needless to say, that temperature is soon escalating, thanks to a melting Slushie. Obviously, they can’t get out because a plank has fallen down and pinned them inside the increasingly sizzling beds, which are soon roasting them like fried chicken on a BBQ.
The kitchen
The original Final Destination set the template for the ultimate kitchen nightmare. A cracked mug leaks its liquid onto a computer, which explodes, sending glass into the neck of poor Ms Lewton. But that’s just the half of it, as a bottle of booze sets on fire and – worst of all – the dying teacher manages to accidentally land a great big carving knife into her stomach. All that before this place of food prep blows up. Nasty.
Massages
Surely a nice, relaxing massage can’t do much harm? Wrong again. In Final Destination 5, Isaac gets his comeuppance during an acupuncture session. Never mind the pain of falling from the table and landing on those sharp needles. Or the fire that almost spreads thanks to a vibrating mobile phone that knocks a candle onto some flammable liquid. This poor man gets his head mashed by a Buddha statue falling from a shelf.
Swimming pools
Water, water everywhere, and not a drop that won’t kill you. Clearly, swimming pools should be top of your irrational fears. Especially if you’re deep diving to the bottom of the pool just as you’ve accidentally activated the drainage system. As seen in The Final Destination – the fourth movie in the franchise – the powerful mechanism can (and will!) suck out your innards and blow them skywards. Much safer to swim in the bath. Or stay at home.
‘Final Destination Bloodlines’ is in UK cinemas May 14