An Extinction Rebellion protester
What you’ll need: Did you know that Halloween celebrations generate over 2,000 tonnes of plastic waste from clothing and costumes alone? That’s one of the many fun-facts you can parrot while wearing this quick-and-easy costume – where you can pass off “left it to the last minute” or “couldn’t be arsed” as being concerned for the environment. There’s no strict dress-code rules for this – every day’s Halloween when you’re an XR protester! All you’ll need do is plaster the XR logo– an hourglass inside a circle – everywhere. Avoid dressing as Mr Broccoli (unless you want to count as someone’s five twats a day) or breaking character by exclaiming “Bugger it, let’s get an Uber!’ when you can’t be bothered walking four streets to the house party.
The crucial details: Brandish a loudspeaker and placard emblazoned with a time-honoured slogan: ‘TIME IS UP!’, ‘OUR FRAGILE PLANET IS DYING!’, ‘THE OCEANS ARE RISING AND SO ARE WE!’. Or you could theme your message around Halloween: ‘ECOLOGICAL COLLAPSE WILL KILL MORE PEOPLE THAN MICHAEL MYERS!’, ‘FREDDY KRUEGER SAYS: WAKE UP, ACT NOW!’, ‘I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – DIDN’T RECYCLE!’, etc.
Finishing touch: Make sure you interrupt all your friends’ cheery conversations about their upcoming holidays with passive-aggressive comments about carbon emissions. Lie down in the middle of the dancefloor or glue yourself to the bar.
Estimated cost: As you’re not supposed to buy anything, ideally it should be free.
Scare rating: 5/5 (in keeping with XR’s generosity with numbers)
Tekashi 6ix9ine
What you’ll need: With his face tattoos and kaleidoscopic coiffure, Tekashi 6ix9ine is set to be a simple-to-recreate look this year. There are plenty of YouTube tutorials online showing you how to make a Tekashi 6ix9ine outfit, ranging from complicated ones which involve sewing (snitches get stiches!) to cheap ’n’ cheerful non-efforts.
The crucial details: Fake plastic teeth that you can paint to imitate his rainbow grill; a multi-coloured long wig – or just shove some streamers or pieces of fabric in your hair.
Finishing touch: You could carry a toy rat – because Halloween ain’t about being subtle.
Estimated cost: £20
Scare rating: 3/5
Dicknose, ex-of Slipknot
What you’ll need: Chris Fehn – aka Dicknose – put his Slipknot bandmates’ (non-phallic) noses out of joint in March when he launched legal action against them over a pay dispute. He’s since left, but you can pay tribute by grabbing a boiler suit, and getting busy with either the papier-mâché or plaster of pairs to construct a cock mask – depending on how vigorously you want to wank your nose.
The crucial details: Three guesses. Add a zip to the mouth for bonus points.
Finishing touch: A P45? A court summons? I mean, it’s a mask with a dick for a nose. You can’t really improve on it.
Estimated cost: £25
Scare rating: 5/5
Billie Eilish
What you’ll need: Oversized clothing, spray-in temporary hair dye (or a coloured wig).
The crucial details: The great thing about Billie Eilish is there are multiple recognisable video looks to copy: the ‘Bad Guy’ video where all you need is a white collared shirt, silver chain necklace and fake blood smeared around your mouth and nose, ‘You Should See Me in a Crown’ promo, where you’ll don a crown and a smattering of fake spiders, or – easiest of all – the ‘When The Party’s Over’ look which all you need is an oil-slick of black greasepaint/kohl trickling from your eyes.
Finishing touch: If NME‘s Facebook comments are anything to go by, a gammon-dad following you round like Tails the Fox tutting: ‘There’s more to music than Billie Eilish!’
Estimated cost: £15 upwards.
Scare rating: 3/5
Lil Nas X
What you’ll need: Toast the rapper’s breakthrough year by donning a cowboy hat, garishly colourful or iridescent suit (topless underneath) or bedazzled shirt and trousers – all with added fringing. Bear in mind that in the time it takes you get this one right, Lil Nas X will have probably released another 50 remixes.
The crucial details: Write ‘LIL NAS X’ on the back of your ensemble in the font from his ‘Old Town Road’ video – or else you’re going to spend a (yee-) harrowing evening constantly being asked when Buzz Lightyear is going to show up.
Finishing touch: Accessorise with a child’s hobby horse.
Estimated cost: Even without the cowboy hat from Gucci and Wrangler on your booty, this might set you back a bit – £30.
Scare rating: 3/5
Andy King
What you’ll need: Want a costume that surreptitiously sends a message that you’re slutty but haven’t spent four months eating only trail mix and ice cubes so you can fit into Xavier Plympton from American Horror Story 1984’s crop-top and short shorts? Look no further than the thirsty breakout star of Netflix’s Fyre: The Greatest Party That Never Happened: the not-all-heroes-wear-capes team player prepared to resort to fellatio to ensure party-goers received their water. All you’ll need for this is a grey wig and blue/white gingham shirt peeking under a black jumper.
The crucial details: A multipack of Evian. Teasing, come-to-the-beverage-aisle eyes.
Finishing touch: You could spell it out by wearing a ‘WILL DEEP THROAT FOR SAN PELLEGRINO’ sign, carrying cheese on bread in a styrofoam container or writing the Fyre Festival line-up – Blink 182, Ja Rule, Migos – with a line through each on your back.
Estimated cost: £15.
Scare rating: 2/5
Hot Priest
What you’ll need: A black outfit and dog collar is all that’s required to effect Fleabag’s horny servant of God. Kneel!
The crucial details: Cheekbones. Take away the “hot” part and you’re just a generic priest. Nobody ever muttered “Choke me, daddy!” during the Father Dowling Mysteries and Songs of Praise isn’t overburdened with slash fiction. Basically, you’re going to have to pretend you meant to be Father Ted all along or start yelling: ‘The power of Christ compels you!’.
Finishing touch: Gin in a tin. Catholic guilt. Or as I like to call it ‘Tuesday’.
Estimated cost: You’re looking at less than £10 for a clerical collar. Praise be!
Scare rating: 2/5
Ashley O
What you’ll need: A candyfloss wig and white sportswear is all you need to portray Miley Cyrus’s Black Mirror pop star.
The crucial details: As long as you nail the hair the thigh-length boots, the rest is incidental.
Finishing touch: A killer lip-sync routine to ‘On a Roll’
Estimated cost: £25
Scare rating: 3/5
The Tethered
What you’ll need: Jordan Peele is the current horror king, and the soulless doppelgangers from Us are ideal Halloween costume fodder. Get hold of a red jumpsuit, fingerless gloves, and scissors.
The crucial details: A creepy white mask if you’re cosplaying Pluto (Memo to Justin Trudeau: choose this option), a stuffed toy bunny.
Finishing touch: Try communicating in grunts and gestures, link your hands together across the room.
Estimated cost: £25
Scare rating: 5/5
A Scoops Ahoy worker from Stranger Things
What you’ll need: Steve Harrington and Robin Buckley from Stranger Things’ ice cream parlour sailor outfits are available online, which might be the best choice because – unless you’ve won The Great British Sewing Bee – this one’s going to be a ball-ache to do effectively. Sourcing/customising a sailor’s cap, a striped shirt, a red scarf and either a flap-collar or waistcoat? Battling The Mind Flayer is easier than making this. It has the potential to the biggest naval disaster since you pierced your bellybutton at three in the morning in Magaluf. On the plus side, if you screw it up, simply find someone who’s equally cocked up their Lil Nas X attire and – voila! – you’re The Village People.
The crucial details: The word ‘AHOY’ inscribed in the correct font on the Dixie cup.
Finishing touch: A name-tag. Ice cream. Or if you’re Robin, a sassy one liner or two.
Estimated cost: Online costumes are available at around £25.
Scare rating: 5/5 (More due to the quest-like process of making it. Cue Family Guy flash-forward where you’ve superglued yourself to the white trimming and are knee-deep watching tutorials on how to tie a square knot)
Momo
What you’ll need: The internet hoax with the villainous Momo – who looks like Cher reflected through the back of a spoon – is a thrifty costume choice. You’ll need a Momo mask – either bought online or budding Blue Peter presenters can create their own.
The crucial details: The bug-eyes – slice open those ping pong balls.
Finishing touch: Well, it was synonymous with Fortnite and Peppa Pig, so maybe a clasp a furry toy of the latter.
Estimated cost: £10
Scare rating: 4/5
A cat from the not-yet released film Cats
What you’ll need: Look, the cardinal rule is cats at Halloween should be sexy. But when the trailer for the forthcoming movie adaption of Cats dropped, it united a nation in asking: ‘What the fuck was all that nightmare fuel about?’ Even Idris Elba seemed baffled – and he’s read the script. In fact, the only thing more fear-inducing than what the felines looked like (monstrosities that resemble furries if they’d slathered themselves in glue and rolled around in a particularly unhygienic sex club’s dark room) is probably the prospect of having to sit through two hours of Cats. There’s not exactly a surfeit of toe-tappers in it. Put it this way: James Corden is in the teaser – and miraculously isn’t even the worst thing about it. Anyway, if you want to recreate the ‘look’, you’re going to have to paint yourself like a cat then coat yourself in cotton wool or carpet swatches to mimic that weird CGI mange effect.
The crucial details: For the Judi Dench character, you’ll need a fur jacket – because she’s clearly the kitty equivalent of Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs dancing to ‘Goodbye Horses’ and making a skin suit. For Jason ‘Jason Derrullllo!’ Derulo, poke your head out of an attached cardboard cat-flap and yell/purr your own name a lot.
Finishing touches: Take some old newspaper so you can lay it down in the corner whenever you need to go to the toilet (method as he is, it’s how Ian McKellen’s been preparing for the role).
Estimated cost: In money or to your soul?
Scare rating: 2 Billion/5