We’ve been treated to some exceptionally great festival bills in 2018 – Beyoncé slaying Coachella, Kendrick at Reading and Leeds, and let’s not forget Arctic Monkeys’ mammoth European festival trek.
But alas, not all festivals are able to pull in such big-name stars. Case in point: 2018’s Polo Fest, a polo-themed two-dayer held at Chester Lakes that proudly describes itself as “Cheshire’s boutique music festival”.
Taking place on September 15 and with tickets ranging between £24.50 to £65.50, the event promises “all the acts, all the entertainment and all the fun you can handle”, as well as such perks as “glamping, a petting zoo, laughter tots” and “as many goes on our mini-fairground as you like”.
Sounds great, right? Well, that’s until you actually see the line-up itself…
Is this the greatest festival line-up of all time? Two Toploader sets in two days pic.twitter.com/q8ivpd6iaS
— Stephen Jones (@SteveJonesPA) August 31, 2018
Sheesh, where do we even begin? Perhaps with Toploader headlining each of the two nights – more sets than they have hits?
I’m glad Toploader are there both nights. One night just wasn’t enough to fit in all of their hit single.
— Mark Grimshaw (@markgrimshaw16) September 1, 2018
I'll buy you a ticket for the fest if you can name a Toploader song that isn't Dancing in the Moonlight
— Stephen Jones (@SteveJonesPA) August 31, 2018
Maybe Travis pulled out and Toploader had to fill in at short notice? It’s quite the mystery and reminded people of the time Chumbawamba replaced Radiohead at Reading…
I still have nightmares about Reading 91 when Radiohead pulled out to be replaced by… Chumbawamba who had played the night before.
— Phill (@Phillanderer) August 31, 2018
Also, what’s with all the brackets after the artist names? You can’t have great confidence in the strength of your bookings when you have to explain exactly who they are.
Omg the pathos of those brackets. Simon Webbe (Blue)
— Alice Beverton-Podcast (@alice) September 1, 2018
In fact, Polo Fest is so ’90s that some assumed that only one person could be behind all of it…
— Alistair Coleman (@alistaircoleman) September 1, 2018
And sure, we like Gok Wan just as much as your nan likes Gok Wan, but we’ve never once wondered what his taste in music was. But hey, I guess we’re going to find out.
https://twitter.com/milanaknez/status/1035873314319814658
Even if Gok Wan’s biggest tunes do get your feet moving though, you ravers out there will soon have to find some other place to go, because the entire thing finishes at 8pm. Yes, 8pm…
The main stage finishes at 8pm. Rock and roll. pic.twitter.com/93xomuGFLn
— Rich Cooper (@richcooper) September 1, 2018
Amid all the negativity though, some people on Twitter thought the organisers should be leading with the one great thing it can offer above all other festivals. Yes, free parking!
Honest to god the headline act of this line up should be ‘free parking’
— Rory Dollard (@thervd) August 31, 2018
And to be fair, “Melanie C‘s 90’s Mixtape” actually doesn’t sound all that bad. She describes it as: “Nothing but 90s bangers all night, expect to hear everything from The Spice Girls to Oasis to Biggie“. We take everything back, count us in.
Mel C deserves slightly better
— Far-Right Host of Popular Teatime Word Quiz (@BSTheTruth) September 1, 2018
Ultimately though, what frightens us the most about the line-up is that we know that’s going to be us in years to come – watching Drake on a zimmer frame trying to do the ‘Hotline Bling’ dance to a nostalgic Chippenham crowd in the year 2058.
We just hope there will be free parking there too.