Praise the lord, our great President-in-waiting Cardi B has finally dropped her debut album. It’s called ‘Invasion of Privacy’, and it’s a beautiful ode to money, sex, and dismissing haters (tips I must remember when I next open my Twitter mentions).
Having listened to this album approximatelly five times since it dropped this morning, I’ve picked up some important lessons: love your pussy and dump any bloke who doesn’t, get rich and wear diamonds if at all possible, and be a full-time bad bitch. Need proof of Cardi’s empowering credentials? Read on.
1. Get Up 10
Went from making tuna sandwiches to making the news
I started speaking my mind and tripled my views
Real bitch, only thing fake is the boobs
Takeaway message: Quit your insta affectation and speak your truth.
2. Drip
Is she a stripper, a rapper or a singer?
I’m busting bucks in a Bentley Bentayga
Ride through your hood like “Bitch, I’m the mayor!”
You not my bitch, then bitch you are done
Takeaway message: Stop putting Cardi in a box and bow down to the chick running shit.
3. Bickenhead
Pop that pussy on the pole, pop that pussy on the stove
Make that pussy slip and slide like you from the 305
Put your tongue out in the mirror, pop that pussy while you drive
Spread them asscheeks open, make that pussy crack a smile
Takeaway message: Love yourself. In every conceivable way.
4. Bodak Yellow
I be in and out them banks so much, I know they’re tired of me
Honestly, don’t give a fuck ’bout who ain’t fond of me
Dropped two mixtapes in six months, what bitch working as hard as me?
Takeaway message: [Less a message, more an observation – imagine making so much cash that your local bank branch manager got sick of you. Imagine.]
5. Best Life
“Cardi B is so problematic” is the hashtag
I can’t believe they wanna see me lose that bad
They talking junk and they stink, these hoes mad trash
I’m giggling, can’t let the devil have the last laugh
Ain’t no more beefing, I’m just keeping to myself
I’m my own competition, I’m competing with myself
Takeaway message: Just remember that behind every angry Twitter troll, is a sad person sitting alone in their pants.
6. I Like It
Now I like dollars, I like diamond
I like stunting, I like shining
I like million dollar deals
Where’s my pen, bitch I’m signin’
Takeaway message: Be a strong independent woman who knows what she wants (millions of dollars.)
7. She Bad
I’m a boss in a skirt
I’m a dog, I’m a flirt
Write a verse while I twerk
I wear off-white at church
Prolly make the preacher sweat
Read the Bible, Jesus wept
Takeaway message: Identity is multi-facted, you can be many things at once, and multi-tasking is good.
8. I Do
I think us bad bitches is a gift from God (gift from God)
I think you broke hoes need to get a job (get a job)
Now I’m a boss, I write my own name on the cheques (Cardi)
Pussy so good, I say my own name during sex
Takeaway message: The big man upstairs loves Cardi, Offset loves Cardi, and Cardi loves Cardi.
9. I Do (strike two)
Look, broke hoes do what they can (can)
Good girls do what they told (told)
Bad bitches do what they want (they want)
That’s why a bitch is so cold
I’m a gangsta in a dress, I’m a bully in the bed
Only time that I’m a lady’s when I lay these hoes to rest
Takeaway message: Why be good when you could be Cardi?
10. I Do (yeah, it’s the third quote but it’s a really good song)
Leave his texts on read, leave his balls on blue
Put it on airplane mode so none of those calls come through
Takeaway message: Always leave them wanting more. #WasteHisTime2k18.
And finally a special mention for this A* lyric from ‘She Bad’:
I need Chrissy Teigen
Know a bad bitch when I see one (yeah, woo)
Tell Rih-Rih I need a threesome
Takeaway message: Cardi B has superb taste.
Gasp!! *drops biscuits* https://t.co/COfLAuTs7H
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 6, 2018